


Just Another Dull and Boring Day

by DoctorV



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen, M/M, OWCA, Sign Language, human!perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-09 18:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4360085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forced to choose between his family and O.W.C.A., a rogue Perry Fletcher goes on the run with his nephews. Now he has to find somewhere safe to hide them...and a way to explain his secret double life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. imminent threats

As covert emails went, "thwartycall@hottiemail.com" was kind of obvious, but thinking back on it later Perry would realize that was probably the point. At the time he just rolled his eyes and set his decryption program to decipher Peter's message from the risque images and promises of no-strings antagonism.

Getting up from his desk, he turned his back on the laptop and stretched his arms over his head. It was still early and Perry hadn't yet shaken the lethargy of sleep. He smiled to himself as he peered out the window of his attic bedroom. Down in the backyard, Phineas and Ferb already had a set of blueprints stretched out between them, the idea of sleeping in on such a beautiful sunny day an alien concept to them.

A ping from his laptop signalled the decryption program had finished running, so he reluctantly turned away from the window to see what Peter had to say. Not much, from the looks of things. As he sat down, he could see that the program had only spit out a single, bewildering sentence: "Check update to family's file."

A chill crawled down Perry's spine as he considered the Seattle-based agent's message. Most of his family's file wasn't updated often. The only part that really saw any regular attention was about his nephews and their incredible inventions. Normally that wasn't a concern, it was just basic cataloguing. But there had been some worrying mutterings around O.W.C.A. ever since they accidentally built a death ray.

The _intended_ purpose of the machine was entirely benign. As Phineas had mentioned later, a loose wire had completely altered its function. Intentional or not, at the end of the day Linda's flower garden was still a rotting mess and it had started some of his coworkers wondering: if that was what they could do _accidentally_ , then what would they be capable of if the siren call of evil science ever reached their ears?

Perry had done his best to soothe those fears, pointing out that everything the boys had ever done had been to _benefit_ people. They had a stable, loving family and plenty of friends, and O.W.C.A.'s best agent living with them! Did anyone really think that if they took a turn towards evil, that _no one_ would notice and turn them away from it? Did they think _he_ wouldn't notice?

While he mused on what could be awaiting him in O.W.C.A.'s files, he quickly logged into the database, instinct and paranoia moving him to use a backdoor method rather than his personal account. As expected, no changes had been made to Linda's or Lawrence's files in months, and Candace's had only been updated two weeks ago to mention the effect one of the boys' inventions had on her. (Sonic burps, to her mortification. Luckily, in true teenage boy fashion, Jeremy had been impressed rather than disgusted.)

The boys on the other hand, brilliance and productivity taken to an extreme, had their very own subfolder. The subfolder, in turn, had subfolders. Each invention and adventure was described and classified, and some given threat levels.

That last one...was a new development. One he hadn't been happy with, but had conceded was a reasonable thing to keep track of. The boys had put themselves and everyone around them in danger on multiple occasions. The fact that no one had actually been permanently damaged didn't negate that there had been significant potential for it. So now there were threat levels in their folder.

The scale was color coded, going from green for a machine that holographically recreated dreams to bright, accusing red for the recent accidental death ray. Perry bit his lip as he skimmed over the most recent entries. Lately there was more red in the file than green, or even yellow. He felt guilty about that, feeling he should be trying to steer his nephews toward more harmless goals. But every time he thought maybe today he could pretend to take a nap in the backyard while covertly keeping an eye on their constructions, or even drop a hint or two to inspire their imaginations toward something useful but safe, every time O.W.C.A. would come calling and every time he would have to slip away.

It wasn't even always Dr. Doofenshmirtz, so he couldn't blame his nemesis if he wanted to. Sometimes it was filling in for a fellow agent, or doing reconnaissance, or even sitting and listening to Major Monogram prattle on about something. He was pretty sure that last one wasn't technically in his job description, but he was too well-trained to ignore a superior and Monogram often took his silence as interest in a way that was somehow more annoying than Doofenshmirtz's monologuing. (Heinz's stories were at least interesting, albeit often horrifying and sad. He was sure Mrs. Monogram's choice in new drapes was of significant importance to the Monogram household, but Perry just couldn't muster even the slightest interest in the apparently hours long process that had led to the installation of the new window-covers.)

And now, because O.W.C.A. took priority, his nephews were being classified as a potential threat...wait a minute.

Perry frowned in surprise, looking closer. There _was_ an update, dated about an hour after he returned home from a debrief last night. He had gotten home late enough that he completely missed Phineas and Ferb's project of the day, and the entire family for that matter. Everyone was already in bed by the time he finally, wearily trudged up the stairs to the attic.

While he was falling into bed, they had been upgraded from potential threats to imminent threats. There was even a note about...actions to be taken. A link to one of Doofenshmirtz's -inators and its known effects on the boys. A suggestion to increase the power to avoid them shaking off those effects like they did last time.

A scheduled date and time.

Eyes darting to the clock in the corner of the screen, his heart pounded and he only registered standing up in the clatter of the chair hitting the ground behind him. As of ten minutes ago, someone from the agency was supposed to shoot his boys with a recreated Dull-And-Boring-inator. It hadn't been ten minutes since he looked out the window, had it?

He was already moving as his mind raced and his adrenaline rushed, jamming his feet into the orange sneakers next to his door and taking the stairs three at a time. Linda's "Good morning, Perry!" fell into an empty room as he didn't stop or slow down on the way to the back door.

In the backyard he skidded to a halt and took in the welcome sight of Phineas and Ferb still discussing their blueprints. From Phineas's wildly waving arms, he seemed to be working on convincing Ferb that their project needed to be bigger, and possibly include more Bulgarian folk dancing. They were still themselves. _The agent was late._

He had just enough time to slump in relief before he noticed a glint of metal and a horribly familiar hat just over the top of the fence. Just because they were late didn't mean the mission was scrapped, it just meant it was happening later than expected. "Ten minutes ago" had become "right now".

Barely thinking about it, he stomped down on one end of a sheet of corrugated metal that was laying across a wooden plank. The other end bounced up into his waiting hand as he ran forward, throwing himself between the young inventors and a blast of green energy. He felt the vibration of the blast through the sheet of metal as it deflected the shot away, hopefully somewhere harmless.

The boys stared up at him in surprise. "Uncle Perry?" Phineas asked.

Snatching the wrench from the boy's hand, he flung it over the fence in a whirling silver streak. From the other side came a thump and a pained shout. Good, that should buy them a little time.

Dropping the sheet metal, Perry grabbed the boys each by the wrist and ran for the garage.

"Was that a laser?" Phineas asked as they hurried to keep up with him. "That looked like a laser! Wow, I did _not_ expect you come in like that with the metal. I didn't even know you were awake yet!"

Perry grimaced as he let go of them and whipped the cover off his motorcycle. Yes, boring Uncle Perry who sometimes forgot to set an alarm and slept until noon (or even once, memorably, until dinnertime) definitely wasn't the type to drop in unexpectedly to neutralize the threat of random lasers. Or to move rapidly at all, for that matter.

Tossing the boys their helmets, he grabbed his own and quickly straddled the bike, motioning for them to climb on behind him. Ferb already had his helmet buckled on, but Phineas was looking down at his with a thoughtful, worried expression. Oh no.

The boy looked up at him. "What's going on, Uncle Perry? What _was_ that? Where are we going?"

Normally he would be happy to indulge his nephew's inquisitive nature, but...he honestly wasn't sure how to answer. Flipping up his helmet's visor, Perry met the boy's eyes, silently pleading as he signed, _Trust me._

Phineas held his gaze for a long, tense moment, then sighed and put on his helmet. "Will you at least explain later?"

Smiling gratefully, he nodded. Thank you, Phineas Flynn, for not being stubborn about it. Perry flipped his visor back down while the boys climbed on, then lifted the kickstand. When a pair of small arms wrapped tightly around his waist, he finally shot out of the garage and onto the street. In his side mirror he could see the unknown agent running down the driveway before raising his wrist to his mouth.

He was calling in backup.

Frowning grimly as he sped from the tranquil quiet of the suburbs, Perry reflected that if there was a shred of common sense in the agency then backup would be close and standing by. They couldn't _possibly_ have expected him to just stand aside and allow them to suck out all the brilliance and creativity from his nephews!

Then again, he was Agent P, O.W.C.A.'s best agent. Agent P who could always be relied on to work late hours or even overnight, to quietly accept his vacation requests being denied, who was a dependable company-man through and through.

Maybe they _did_ expect him to stand by and allow them to ruin his boys. If he was _lucky_ they didn't plan for him to interfere. If he was _lucky_ , he had a few minutes lead on anyone they might send after him.

The sound of O.W.C.A.-issued motorcycles behind him suggested this was not the case. _Stinkelkrampen_ strikes again, apparently.

He quickly tapped one of the arms around his middle and then held up one hand where the boys could see it before pointedly clenching it into a fist. The arms around him tightened and he crouched lower on the bike before speeding up.

They wanted a chase, he would _give_ them a chase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For over a month, the working title for this was "Self-Indulgent Bullshit". (Incidentally, the only instance of a curse word to be found in this thing so far. I am as surprised as you are.) It was named such because it contains all the things I wanted to read but couldn't find. (Speaking of, if this reminds you of anything hook me up with a link.)
> 
> I have already written over 10K words of this, divided up amongst six chapters, and it is still not finished. I think I'm going to try to update once a week, since I already have more chapters sitting around, but I make no promises.


	2. disguises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this a day early, because people said nice things to me about the first chapter. Learn this lesson well: Doc is not immune to flattery. ;)

Checking his rear-view mirror and finding it devoid of suspicious characters, Perry turned down an alley and slowed down, finally rolling to a stop behind a dumpster. He tapped the small arms around his waist and they slowly let go, freeing him to get off the bike and examine his nephews. Phineas's helmet looked like it had a singed spot on it, but Ferb looked completely untouched.

Perry took off his helmet and pointed at both of the boys with one hand while making a thumbs-up with the other. His worried expression made the gestures a question.

Ferb returned the thumbs-up, while Phineas took off his own helmet and looked up imploringly. "We're _fine_ , Uncle Perry, but...what _was_ that? There were people chasing us, and shooting at us, and _you_! You were driving around and dodging it all like you do that all the time!" He threw his arms out in exasperation. "What is going _on_?"

Ferb touched the boy's shoulder and gave him a pointed look, to which Phineas rolled his eyes. "Well of course it was _cool_ , Ferb. I mean, it was _way_ more exciting than what we had planned to do today, but...I just want to know _why_! People were chasing us and shooting lasers at us and I really don't know how to react to all this!"

The green-haired boy shrugged, conceding that his brother had a point, and looked up at Perry expectantly.

Sighing, he pointed at his watch and moved his finger in a clockwise circle. Lurking in the shadow of a dumpster wasn't really the place to have that conversation.

"But--"

Perry held his right hand up sharply next to his head and sliced it down, frowning: _Later._

Phineas frowned back and grumbled, "Fine."

Sighing, Perry turned back to the bike and opened the compartment hidden under the seat. He took out the protective cover and a few other items from inside and then pressed a button on the very bottom. As he spread the cover over the motorcycle, it shimmered out of view and was replaced with a pair of particularly disgusting-looking trash cans. He could even hear a faint buzz from the illusionary flies circling them.

From behind him came an indignant gasp as Phineas shouted, " _And_ you have cloaking technology on the bike?! How! I _know_ Ferb and I didn't do that, because you wouldn't ever let us touch it! Is this why? Because you knew we'd find all this stuff? I mean, I didn't think much of it when you lost those guys with the smokescreen, but your motorcycle is totally tricked out, isn't it!?"

Perry turned and flapped his hands downward at the boy, hissing through his teeth. He tried signing at him, but before he could finish Phineas interrupted with a snapped, "I will NOT calm down! People are chasing us and shooting at us and you know why but you won't tell us and now we find out you've been keeping _more_ secrets and-and--"

Kneeling down, he swiftly gathered the boy up in his arms and held him close, listening to his nephew's hitching breath with guilt weighing heavily on him. He reached out to his side and pulled Ferb in as well, hugging both the boys tightly. When he thought they seemed a bit calmer he slowly let go and leaned back enough that they could see his hands. _Safe_ , he signed. _I promise_.

The boys looked at each other, silently communicating in that way they had, before Ferb shrugged and Phineas sighed. "Okay."

Smiling, Perry pulled them in for another quick hug and then stood up. He turned back to his hidden bike and rummaged around, for all the world looking like he was rooting through a bunch of smelly, disgusting garbage, until he found what he was looking for. Turning back to the boys, he held the items out to them.

They eyed the bundles suspiciously and Phineas asked, "Wigs?"

Perry shrugged and wiggled the items at them pointedly.

"And shirts," Ferb pointed out.

Reluctantly, they reached out and took the disguises.

\-----

About five minutes later their appearances were all altered enough that, hopefully, they would be able to walk a ways without being assaulted. Perry's distinct teal and Ferb's green hair were covered with boring brown wigs, while Phineas had become a blond. All three had changed into shirts in dull colors, and to finish it off Perry had added a stick-on goatee. It wouldn't hold up to close scrutiny, but hopefully it wouldn't have to.

That taken care of, he jiggled the knob of the only door available in the alley. It was a little loose, but more importantly also unlocked. He opened it and motioned the boys inside, closing and locking it behind himself once they were all in.

Boxes and bookshelves lined the walls of the dimly-lit backroom, and the musty smell of old books surrounded them. Past shadowy stacks of thick tomes and a few other items, cobwebs and dust clinging to every available surface, another door lurked in the gloom. Perry felt a small hand grasp his and gave it a reassuring squeeze before he led them forward and slowly opened the door.

On the other side was a cramped old bookstore, its wares even more tightly packed than in the storeroom. It was at least brighter and cleaner, though. The boys looked around curiously while Perry checked for people between them and the door. They appeared to be the only ones in the small shop and he gave a silent sigh of relief.

"Where _are_ we?" Phineas asked quietly.

A voice pierced through the store, startling the trio. "What's that?! Who's there!"

Perry winced and shoved the boys toward a deadend of bookcases. There he knelt to eye level with them and made sure he had their attention before shaking his head firmly and signing _real name_.

Frowning in confusion, Phineas asked, "You don't want us to use our real n-MMPH!"

One hand covering the boy's mouth, Perry put an index finger to his own mouth. He didn't need that narrated where they could be overheard, thank you.

"Is someone there?" the voice, heavily accented and quavering, called out again.

Perry stood and motioned for the boys to follow him, then strolled out from behind the bookcases, heading toward the front of the store and glancing around. There at the front, nearly obscured by knick-knacks and loose books on the counter, was a little old woman peering uncertainly toward the back of the store.

When she caught sight of him, she gasped, then put a hand to her chest and sighed in relief. "Oh Stephen, you naughty little _maus_ , you scared a year off me. Make a noise next time!"

Perry smiled sheepishly and snapped his fingers, then shrugged helplessly.

" _Ja ja, mäuschen_ , that would do it," she replied, rolling her eyes. Then she paused and peered past him, smiling. "Oh! And who are these handsome young men with you?"

Phineas stepped out from behind Perry and smiled. "I'm Phi--" he faltered, belatedly remembering their brief conversation a moment ago. "Ffflynn? And this is my brother..." He squinted at Ferb and slowly finished with "...Fletcher."

Perry wasn't sure whether to be relieved or embarrassed that the boy probably had no future as a spy, but either way he fought back a wince at the improvised introduction.

"A pleasure to meet you, Flynn and Fletcher," the woman replied, seeming unfazed by the boy's conspicuous hesitation. "You may call me _Frau_ Schreiber. And Stephen! You didn't tell me you had _kinder_!"

As Perry's eyes widened and he quickly shook his head, Phineas asked, "What's a 'kin-der'?"

"Children, _Süßer_."

"Pff _no_!" Phineas giggled. "He's our _uncle_!"

" _Ah_. I suppose I can forgive you, then." She smiled up at Perry, then frowned as something occurred to her. "Where _did_ you come from, Stephen? I didn't see you come in."

Perry jerked a thumb over his shoulder toward the backroom, then planted his hands on his hips and gave the woman a stern look.

"Oh my, did I forget to lock the backdoor again?" A nod. "Did you...?" At Perry's affronted look, she chuckled. " _Ja_ , of course you locked up, such a good _junge_. Oh! That reminds me, those books you asked about came in."

Feigning a regretful grimace, Perry tapped his watch and shook his head.

"No time?" _Frau_ Schreiber asked, confused. "Then why did you come in?"

Thinking quickly, Perry's eyes darted down to Phineas and Ferb and he suddenly hugged them to his sides and gave the woman a cheesy grin. Her expression lit up and she clasped her hands in front of her chest.

" _Oh_! You brought them in to meet me?" A rapid nod. "How sweet." She beamed at him.

Still smiling, Perry tapped his watch again, shrugged with regret, and started shooing the boys toward the front door. Ferb planted his feet though and, when Perry looked down to see what he was up to, held up a thick book with a questioning expression.

 _A Plucky Boy's Guide to Simple Solutions for Everyday Problems_. Perry slipped his fingers under his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. Sure, why not. He pointed the boy toward the counter and looked over at _Frau_ Schreiber, raising his eyebrows.

"On your tab?" she asked with a knowing smile, writing down the book's information.

He pointed at her and winked, clicking his tongue against his teeth.

"Only because you're such a good customer, Stephen," she scolded playfully, wagging a finger at him.

Perry saluted her and, as Ferb trotted back over with the book in hand, ushered the boys out the door. A bell clunked dissonantly above them.

"Okay that was weird," Phineas spoke up as they walked away. "Is this where you get those old books for Dad's store sometimes? Why did she call you 'Stephen'? And _why_ did you tell us not to use our real names? It's like you have this bizarre double life we never knew about! Motorcycle chases, disguises, fake names, what _is_ all this?"

Shooing the boys down another alley, Perry grimaced. He recognized that tone, though he didn't hear it often. Phineas was quickly reaching his limit, and chances were that Ferb wasn't far behind him. _Soon_ , he signed, heading toward a dumpster. _Promise_.

Behind him, the boy sighed but didn't say anything. That...wasn't great, but at least he had a little more time to work with. A little more time to figure out if he should come clean, or pile yet another lie on top of the heaping stack looming over him. It would be the biggest lie yet, and there was no guarantee they would believe him. Not when he could tell their trust was being stretched thin already.

Perry shook his head. Focus, Agent P! Setting his shoulder against the dumpster, he began pushing. From the smell and the weight, he was pretty sure it was full.

"Hey! This is that building that's shaped kind of like your head, Ferb!"

The dumpster finally budged enough that he could get to the door hidden behind it. He tried the handle first, but this one was locked, so he dug around in his pocket until he found a metallic purple key.

"You have a _key_ to this place?!"

Perry winced as he unlocked the door, then shot the boy a pleading look, motioning them inside. Yes, yes he did. And now was not the time to discuss why.

Phineas frowned up at him, arms crossed over his chest. It looked like this was where he was going to dig his heels in. They stared at each other for a moment, and just as Perry was debating whether or not his nephew would ever forgive him if he picked the boy up and carried him the rest of the way, Ferb stepped forward and placed a hand on his brother's shoulder.

When Phineas looked at Ferb, the boy tilted his head a little and Phineas sighed, dropping his arms. "You're right as usual, Ferb. Okay, let's go."

As they entered the building, Perry gave Ferb a grateful smile and a thumbs-up. The boy merely frowned a little and pointed at him. Okay, fair enough. He wasn't doing Perry a favor, he was being pragmatic where his brother couldn't be right now. He probably should've expected that, but it still hurt a little.

The elevator ride up was awkward and silent.

Finally he found himself in front of the correct door. He wasn't used to knocking, but he figured it was probably rude to kick down someone's door if he was there to ask a favor.

Perry knocked and waited. Then he knocked again, louder. Nothing. He checked his watch and tapped a foot, then tried knocking again. Still nothing, and he could hear the boys shuffling impatiently behind him.

Growling irritably, he leaned on the doorbell while knocking repeatedly.

"Alright! Alright already! I'm coming! Sheesh, give me a minute, I was in the back!" The voice on the other side of the door trailed off into indistinct grumbling.

Relief flooded him as he let up on the ringing and knocking. He could hear the faint buzz of the security system being disabled and the click of the door being unlocked.

"This better be good," Dr. Doofenshmirtz snapped as he slowly opened the door. "I'm working on something very important, I'll have you know."

Perry smiled sheepishly and waved.

Doofenshmirtz stared down at him for a moment, then frowned. "Who are _you_?"


	3. two halves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this early mainly because it's shorter, but also because I'm a sucker for compliments. All subsequent updates will (hopefully) be either Friday or Saturday.

Perry rolled his eyes, then belatedly remembered that he _was_ actually wearing a disguise. It was a terrible disguise that he didn't expect to fool anyone up close, but then this was a man who had trouble recognizing him without his hat.

Removing the ratty goatee and his glasses with one hand, he pulled off the wig with the other. At _that_ Doofenshmirtz recoiled in surprise and gasped, "Perry the _PLBBT!_ " and grabbed at the wig that Perry had hastily stuffed into his mouth. "What the _heck_ , man?! Bleh, where'd you get this? Is this an _actual_ platypus corpse you left out to rot and then put on your head for some reason? _Yuck_ , now my mouth tastes all _fur_ ry." He frowned at the wig, then at Perry. "ANYway, what are you doing here? I'm not really up to anything today." He looked sheepish and quickly added, "Well I mean, not that I'm not _doing_ anything, but it's more just...general _plotting_. I don't have anything finished right now. Um...you can come in and see, I guess? But _no_ premature thwarting!"

Meanwhile, Perry was frantically cutting a hand back and forth across his throat, trying to stem the flow of ramble.

"Uncle Perry?" Phineas spoke up, peering out from behind his uncle.

Doofenshmirtz stopped abruptly, staring down at the boys, then back at Perry. " _Uncle_ Perry?"

Perry froze. He'd been so busy dreading his nephews finding out about his secret double life that he had completely forgotten that he would also have to explain some things to _Heinz_. For all that he knew about most of and had even met members of the man's family, Doofenshmirtz still didn't know Perry had a family of his own at all.

"Uhhh is this some sort of...weird...Bring Your Kids To Work Day that I didn't get the memo about?" Doofenshmirtz asked, gesturing nebulously. "'Cause I have to say, that's a little irresponsible of you." He pressed a hand to his chest and added, "And that's _me_ saying that."

Perry shook his head, then circled a finger at himself and the boys and pointed at the doorway.

"What, you're _asking_ to come in? Well that's a first. Sure, fine, knock yourself out."

Perry gave the man a shove ("Hey watch it! I can change my mind, you know!") and motioned for his nephews to follow him, then closed the door behind them all. As the lock clicked back into place, it sounded impossibly loud in the sudden silence. When Perry turned back around, he saw the two halves of his life eyeing each other uncertainly.

Suppressing a sigh, he walked over to stand between them, then gestured from Phineas and Ferb to Doofenshmirtz and back again with an expectant look.

"Can we use our _real_ names this time?" Phineas asked snippily. Perry pointed at him, frowning, and the boy sighed. "Okay... Well, I'm Phineas and this is my brother Ferb."

"Nice to meet you! I'm Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz--Wow, you ever have one of those weird deja vu moments?"

"You know now that you mention it, yes, yes I have," Phineas replied, accompanied by Ferb's raised hand and nod.

"Yeah, I just got that really bad. Like BAM, deja vu!" Doofenshmirtz clapped and then spread his hands, miming an explosion. He pointed at the boys. "Have I _met_ you before? I feel like I've met you before."

"Gosh, I'm not sure." Phineas cupped his chin and tilted his head as he looked up at the man. "It's possible. We meet a lot of people! Have you lived in the Tri-State Area long?"

"Eh, probably since before you were born, kid."

"Then I'm sure we've crossed paths at some point!"

Doofenshmirtz opened his mouth to speak, then paused as he caught sight of Perry's panicked face. " _Jeez_ , stress-a-pus, what's wrong with _you_?"

Forcing himself to relax, Perry shook his head. He had far too much to worry about right now without adding on concerns that the Amnesia-inator could wear off _at any minute_. Or maybe it couldn't. It was an -inator, so there was no telling _how_ effective it was. For all he knew, they _had_ just seen each other around town and were remembering that.

"Oh what _ever_ , there's totally something wrong," Doofenshmirtz pressed irritably, hands on his hips. "You're all..." He held up a hand and rotated it. " _Jumpy_."

"Well it has been kind of a weird day," Phineas spoke up. Perry motioned for him to continue and his eyebrows lifted. "Oh...'kaaay. Well, it started with the lasers, I think."

"Lasers?"

"Yeah, someone was _shooting lasers_ at us! Then Uncle Perry grabbed us and _apparently_ has amazing motorcycle-driving skills we never knew about because we lost everyone who was chasing us. And then we had to put on these dumb disguises and this lady in a bookstore knew Uncle Perry but by a different name and we walked _here_ and met _you_ and _I still don't know what's going on!_ " He threw his hands up, frustrated. "We've been on the run since..." He glanced at Ferb.

"Half nine," his brother provided.

"Right! And now it's..."

"Almost half ten."

"An _hour_!" The boy's arms flailed wildly for emphasis. "We've been on the run for an hour! Dodging lasers and lying to little old ladies in bookstores!" Phineas suddenly reached up and grabbed the wig still on his head and threw it at Perry. "And this stupid wig _itches_!"

"Blond doesn't suit you anyway," Ferb murmured, removing his own wig with far more calm.

"Wow that...that sounds like quite a day," Doofenshmirtz said slowly, glancing at Perry while the man unhappily turned the wig over in his hands. "Someone else was shooting lasers at you?" He sounded a little hurt. "Who was shooting lasers at you?"

Perry sighed and dropped the wig, turning to Phineas and spelling out _O.W.C.A._

"Ow-say? Oh-wuh...I don't know that word."

Perry huffed and wiggled his fingers to get the boy's attention before spelling it out again, slower.

"Orca...OSHA...ow-suh...I-I don't know what--" When Perry tried again, Phineas stamped his foot and shouted, "I'm not going to translate for you if I don't even know what the word is!"

"Wait, _translate_?" Doofenshmirtz butted in, trying to move around so he could see Perry's hands. "Are... Are you _finger_ spelling?"

Perry whirled around to face him, eyes wide. They stared at each other for a moment, then he slowly pointed at the doctor.

"Well of course I recognize it," Doofenshmirtz scoffed. "Yeah, see I had this...this _Deaf_ -inator and...look, long backstory short I got my hearing back after a couple months. But!" He brightened, holding up an index finger. "I still remembered what I learned." Frowning, he raised an eyebrow. "Wait, are you telling me, this _whole_ time you knew sign language and you just...didn't bother to _say_ anything?"

Perry shook his head, spreading his hands. He hadn't known. It wasn't in the man's file and he hadn't ever considered the possibility.

He...could. He could say something to him.

Heart pounding, he slowly raised his hands. A brief sideways wave, a tap of one hand against his upturned inner-wrist, a loosely curled fist with his index finger extended.

_Hello, Dr. D._


	4. gone rogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you all to know that I appreciate each and every comment I receive. This is my blanket response to all of them, because I am socially awkward and do not feel like copy/pasting "Thank you!" to each comment. You deserve better than that, and I can only provide this: I alternately grin wide enough to hurt my face and laugh maniacally at every individual comment I receive. They are a bright spot in my stressful days and I cannot adequately convey exactly how much glee I experience whenever I see there's a new comment. I have read every single one at least twice over and I will probably read them several more times.
> 
> I started out writing this story for myself, and I will continue to do so, but I am so very glad that so many people are eager to climb aboard for the ride. :)
> 
> Okay, enough mush! On to the...well, okay, there's actually a bit of mush this chapter. Eh, plenty of other stuff though. I like to cross my genres.

For long moments, Doofenshmirtz for once said nothing, only staring at him in awe. Then he raised a hand and waved. "Hi?" He rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled nervously, looking away. "You can...y'know. You can call me _Heinz_. If you want..."

Smiling a little, Perry quickly spelled out the man's name, _H-E-I-N-Z_. Then he shrugged and added, _Slow_.

"Oh right. So...lasers! That...I had nothing to do with." The man grimaced, suddenly looking uncertain. "So uh, who _was_ shooting lasers at you?"

Perry felt a rush as he signed, _O.W.C.A._ He was actually communicating with the man, beyond yes, no, shrug, and expressive looks and body language. Despite the seriousness of the situation, he felt a little giddy.

"Owca?!"

"Yeah, I still have _no_ idea what that word is," Phineas said.

"Well it's not really a _word_ exactly, it's more of an _acronym_ ," Doofenshmirtz replied, then turned back to Perry. "And anyway why are they after _you_? You're their top agent!"

Phineas held up a hand and shook his head, asking, "Wait, Owca is the safety inspection company you work for? Why were they shooting lasers at us? Why did they _have_ lasers? I mean, that just doesn't make any sense! That's a _clear_ safety hazard!"

An awkward silence greeted his words and after a moment he crossed his arms over his chest, clearly annoyed. "You're not actually a safety inspector, are you?" he said flatly.

Doofenshmirtz raised an eyebrow at Perry, looking unimpressed. "Seriously, _that_ was your cover?"

Perry shrugged helplessly. His family had run into him while he was out helping with a clean-up and hasty excuses had been made.

"In retrospect, it was a bit obvious," Ferb murmured.

"True. What kind of safety inspector keeps those kinds of hours?"

"Also the secret lair underneath the house."

Phineas turned to his brother in surprise. "I thought _you_ made that!"

"I tried to tell you," Ferb sighed.

"Oh, sorry. ...Huh, you know I always wondered why he never said anything about the obvious safety violations in our projects."

"I thought he was just being polite."

Perry growled irritably. Okay yes, his cover story was flimsy at best. It had still lasted him several years without anyone openly questioning it. If not for the day's events forcing the issue, it probably could have lasted him several more.

Cutting them off, Doofenshmirtz said, "Okay, while this is all fascinating - and it really is, I've learned more about you in the past five minutes than the past five _years_ \- it still doesn't really answer _why_ Owca was shooting at you and having an exciting high-speed motorcycle chase with you. That sounds really exciting, by the way."

"Oh it _was_!" Phineas gushed. "They tried to block us off a few streets down, but Uncle Perry used a car as a ramp and flew right over them! And there was a guy with a _jetpack_ and a _rope_ and...aw, you just had to be there. It would've been way more fun if I hadn't been so confused and scared!"

"I could make a joke about adulthood, but I think I'd just depress myself." Doofenshmirtz made a face, then waved a hand vaguely and turned back to Perry. " _Aaa_ nyway, what the heck, man?" He suddenly gasped, eyes widening. "Did you...go _rogue_?"

Perry felt his own eyes widen as it hit him that yes, yes he pretty much had. With a grimace, he held out a hand, palm down, and wiggled it a little to indicate "sort of".

The grin that spread across Doofenshmirtz's face was positively gleeful. "And you came to _me_ first?" He placed a hand on his chest. "I'm touched, Perry the Platypus!" At Perry's quick headshake he frowned, hands going to his hips. "Well then why _did_ you come here?"

Perry started to lift his hands, then hesitated as he realized exactly what he intended to tell the man. Taking a deep breath, he looked up and signed _Safe_. Then he gestured to the boys.

Heinz stared at him, taken aback. "You...you brought them here because you knew they'd be safe?" This time he got a nod in response. "Oh. Wow. I _am_ touched." His brow furrowed in confusion. "Wait, why are they in danger if _you_ went rogue?"

Perry smacked his forehead with one hand. Everything was coming out backwards. He huffed and tried again. This time Doofenshmirtz's response was, "They were shooting at the _kids_?"

"Say _what_ now?!" Phineas yelped.

Heinz pointed at the boy. "What he said."

Perry pointed at him, then carefully signed, _Dull-N-8-or_.

"Dull-N...oh! My Dull-and-Boring-inator?" Perry nodded. "Okay I think I got this straight. Owca somehow has my Dull-and-Boring-inator, which you destroyed, and was trying to shoot your nephews with it, for some reason, so you went rogue and brought them here. Is that it?" Another nod. Doofenshmirtz threw his hands up. "Great, well I'm still compl _ete_ ly lost and I haven't even had breakfast yet. Don't give me that look, Perry the Platypus, I've been busy."

"Why do you keep calling him that?" Ferb asked quietly.

"It's kind of rude," Phineas added.

Doofenshmirtz stared at them for a moment, then looked at Perry. "I'm missing something again, aren't I?" When Perry looked away, he rolled his eyes. " _Ugh_ fine, I'm making some early lunch. You want anything?"

Come to think of it, he hadn't had breakfast either. He was lucky he had gotten dressed before checking his email, he didn't want to think about having to dodge O.W.C.A. in his pajamas. He shrugged and nodded, then looked at the boys and raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"I guess I'm kinda hungry," Phineas said, a hand going to his stomach. Ferb nodded in agreement.

Perry turned back to Heinz and gestured to them. "Fine, fine, lunch for four."

"I'm here too, Dad!" Norm suddenly spoke up, surprising Perry. He hadn't seen the robot since they got there.

"No you're not, you're in time-out!" Doofenshmirtz snapped in the direction of Norm's closet. "You have another fifteen minutes and you know it!"

Norm cheerfully responded, "There's a spider spinning a web in my chest cavity!"

"You're not getting me with that one, Norm!" Doofenshmirtz started heading for the kitchen, the rest following him. "You have bug spray _and_ a duster in there."

"I love you too, Dad!"

" _Ugh_. Pipe down or I'm adding another fifteen minutes to the clock!"

Catching Phineas's alarmed look, Perry waved to get his attention and signed, _Robot_.

"You have a robot? It sounds like it has artificial intelligence."

"Eh, 'intelligence' is stretching it a bit," Doofenshmirtz muttered as he dug around in a cabinet and pulled out a box. "Hey you're kids, right? Do you like macaroni shaped like cartoon characters?"

"Um...yes?"

"Great! I can finally get rid of this stuff. I got it for Vanessa, but apparently she's too _old_ and _mature_ and I don't _understand_ her. Honestly, it's just _pasta_ for crying out loud. It's not like I offered it to her little friends. Well, not more than once, anyway." He waved them toward the table while he poked around in another cabinet, metal clanging against metal, until he found a pot. "Pull up a seat, I'll get this started. And you can explain what the big deal is with me calling Perry the Platypus by his _codename_."

"Okay, but first what do you mean by codename?"

"Well, y'know, his _spy_ name. Moniker, nom de plume, pseudonym. I can keep going, tell me when I hit one you know."

"Nono, I know what a codename is, I meant--Wait, did you say 'spy'?" Phineas asked, eyes widening.

Perry quietly smacked a hand against his forehead.

"Well sure!" Doofenshmirtz replied cheerfully while he stirred the pasta on the stove. "I already said he was Owca's top agent. Owca's a secret government spy organization!"

"He's a _spy_?!"

"I just said that. Jeez, kid, pay attention."

"You're a _spy_?!" Phineas demanded of Perry.

"Plus it's how he introduced himself: 'Perry the Platypus'. Well, not really _introduced_ , it was more just on his business cards."

"You have spy _business cards_!?"

Perry hunched his shoulders and looked away before nodding.

"So this whole time, you were a spy. You lied about your job, you lied about where you're always running off to, do Mom and Dad know?"

Perry shook his head.

" _And_ you've been lying to Mom and Dad!" Phineas threw his hands up. "I don't even know what to believe anymore! What's next, is Mom a nuclear physicist?"

" _Astro_ physicist, actually," Ferb pointed out.

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"Has _anything_ you've told us been true?" the boy continued, half-standing in his chair. "Or is it all just more lies? Are you even our _uncle_?"

Perry inhaled sharply at that and looked up, meeting his nephew's angry gaze. That hurt. And it hurt even more knowing that Phineas was hurt himself and Perry had been the one to cause it. Giving the boy a weak, hopeful smile, he held up two fingers.

"What? What's _that_ mean? He's two uncles?" Heinz asked, having turned around just in time to catch the gesture.

"It's sort of a family joke," Phineas muttered, sitting back down. "He's our uncle twice over."

"That...sounds like some weird hillbilly stuff, I have to be honest."

Phineas shook his head. "Nono, nothing like that. It's...well, it's kind of a long story."

Doofenshmirtz straightened up and turned around so fast that for a moment Perry was worried the man would hit his head on a cabinet. He always forgot just how tall his nemesis was, so the rare instances when Heinz stood up straight came as a shock. He was grinning. "Are you telling me I get to hear Perry the Platypus's _backstory_?"

"Um, I _guess_ you could phrase it that way," Phineas said uncertainly, glancing over at Ferb. His brother shrugged.

"Oh man, I am all _over_ this," Doofenshmirtz said excitedly, abandoning the pasta to join them at the table. "Perry the Platypus, could you--" Perry had already silently sighed and stood up, heading over to take his place at the stove. "Thanks, buddy, you're a _mensch_. Okay, lay it on me!"

"Well..."

"Backstory away!"

"Okay--"

"I'm all ears!"

"Seriously?"

"Sorry, go ahead."

Phineas eyed the man suspiciously for a moment, but Doofenshmirtz just smiled attentively. Deciding it was safe to continue, he opened his mouth to speak.

"I won't interrupt anymore."

"Oh come on!"

"Oops!"

"It would be fair to say," Ferb spoke up suddenly, "that it all started with a family vacation to Australia..."


	5. backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready for the highly unlikely and ridiculous backstory for this version of human Perry? Huh? :D

Phineas picked up the story from there. "Uncle Perry was really young and accidentally got separated from his family. The police sent out search parties and everything! But they couldn't find him. So finally they had to leave to go home, though the police said they'd continue to look for him."

"Meanwhile, he was found by a group of wild platypuses--" Ferb started.

"Wait a second, hold up, time out," Doofenshmirtz interrupted, putting his hands together in a "T". He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the boy. "Are you telling me he was raised by wild platypi?"

Perry cringed at the man's tone. He could tell where this was leading and he was not looking forward to it.

Phineas and Ferb exchanged a look before Phineas answered, "Wild platypuses, actually, but yes, yes we are."

"Really? I always thought it was platypi." Doofenshmirtz waved that away with one hand. "Eh, not the point. The point is, that's certainly _a heck of a coincidence not to mention_." The man's voice rose pointedly at the end of the sentence.

Perry hunched his shoulders until they touched his ears. He really wished he had his hat with him, he felt exposed without it.

"Really? You were raised by wild platypuses, too?" Phineas asked.

"Ocelots, actually!" Doofenshmirtz replied brightly, before quickly losing his enthusiasm as he continued, "Though...the circumstances were a little different. I wasn't _lost_ so much as...dis _owned_. But you don't need to hear about that and I interrupted your backstory. Well, not _your_ backstory, it's actually _Perry's_ backstory, you're just the one telling i--Hey!" He reached back and peeled off the wet pasta shape that Perry had flicked onto his neck. He turned in his chair and pointed at his nemesis. "You're already on thin ice, buster." Popping the pasta into his mouth and giving it a cautious chew, he added, "And you could probably take the pasta off now."

Perry nodded and turned off the burner, busying himself with finishing up the macaroni and cheese. It gave him something to do besides facing them.

Doofenshmirtz motioned to the boys. "Anyway, you were telling me about a highly unlikely scenario in his childhood that he never thought to mention even when I was telling him my _own_ backstory, involving the ocelots. I mean at that point why even keep it a secret? Like, I can _relate_ , man! Anyway keep going, this is pure gold."

"Okaaay," Phineas said slowly, glancing at Ferb and then back to Doofenshmirtz. "Well, he lived with the platypuses for a couple years after that. Um..."

"Notably the verbal-development years," Ferb supplied.

"Right, that. Thanks, Ferb." Phineas pointed to his brother and then turned back to Doofenshmirtz. "Anyway, coincidentally, our dad's family went on vacation to the same location. And as you may have already guessed, they found Uncle Perry!"

"I _did_ actually guess that, yes. You could stand to work on your backstory skills, kid, you've got _no_ suspense. You could've _totally_ managed a dramatic reveal there."

"Uh, sorry?" Phineas said. He exchanged a look with Ferb and they both shrugged. "Well... Grandpa and Grandma Fletcher adopted him and he grew up with Dad. Then years later, Dad met Ferb's mom and brought her home to meet his family. Turns out she recognized Uncle Perry, who was her brother she'd lost in Australia years ago!"

"Wow. That's...certainly a twist." Doofenshmirtz pointed at him "And again, dramatic reveal next time. Think about it." He leaned back in his chair and turned to Perry. "You know I always wondered why you never batted an eye at any of my backstories. Especially the ocelots. _No one_ ever believes me about _Mutti und Vati Ozelot_. Until you. And now I know why." He frowned thoughtfully for a moment, then added, "Though I have to wonder how she recognized you after so long."

Perry turned to stare at him, and saw that his nephews were as well. Heinz noticed the silence after a moment and looked around in surprise, asking, "What?"

Ferb started to open his mouth, but Perry held up a hand and shook his head. He would take care of this. Joining them at the table, he leaned against it, facing his nemesis, and took the man's hand in his. He held up his free arm where the man could see it, and placed Heinz's hand on it so he could both see and feel the fine, teal hairs on his arm.

He could tell the moment when Heinz got it because his eyes widened a little, staring at the tiny hairs and then looking up to stare at the hair on Perry's head, glancing down briefly to his matching eyebrows, then up again. " _Oh_ ," he said quietly. "That's, uh, that's _natural_ , huh?"

Perry nodded.

"I should've known you were too much of a professional to dye your hair," Doofenshmirtz muttered, eyes dropping to Perry's arm again as he ran his fingers back and forth over it. "You know I never really noticed, I always...heh, I always got dis _trac_ ted by your tiny fingers."

Perry huffed and reached up to flick the man's hair. His hands weren't _that_ small. Although, watching Heinz run long, spindly fingers over his teal arm hair, he supposed by comparison they were. The man's touch tickled a little and Perry felt his face start to heat up as he realized how oddly intimate this was.

"Um..." Phineas said.

And his nephews were there. Right at the table. Watching.

Clearing his throat nervously, he slowly pulled his arm away and rubbed the back of his neck. With a soft chitter, he cupped his hands together in a bowl shape, then pointed toward the kitchen.

Doofenshmirtz looked briefly disappointed as he dropped his own hand. "Oh right, bowls." He pointed to a cabinet. "They're on the top shelf."

Perry rolled his eyes and pushed away from the table, heading back to the kitchen. Of course they were. Opening the cabinet confirmed it. He could reach the bottom shelf just fine, and sort of reach the second, but the top shelf was completely beyond him. He growled in irritation.

"Yeah well it's my kitchen and _I_ can reach them just fine," Doofenshmirtz replied.

Perry ignored him and hopped up onto the counter. There, now _he_ could reach them just fine.

"You better not get footprints all over that, I just washed! ...Well technically _Norm_ washed, but you know how he is about chores, I had to supervise the whole time. Most of the time. Actually, now that I think about it, that's why he's in time-out. You know nevermind, it still needs to be washed."

Perry rolled his eyes again as he hopped back down with the bowls and started dishing out the macaroni.

"You know, what I don't get is, if the whole platypus thing is such a touchy subject, why use it as your codename?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

_Assigned_ , Perry signed quickly before bringing the bowls to the table and passing them around.

Doofenshmirtz's eyebrows rose. "What really? You didn't choose it yourself? They just told you 'Welcome to the agency! We're naming you after a childhood trauma!'" He waved his hands for emphasis.

Perry shrugged. It wasn't _that_ traumatic. For all that platypuses weren't especially social creatures, his platypus mum had been surprisingly affectionate. He didn't remember much of that time in his life, but he remembered being warm, and rarely hungry.

" _Wow_. So...I really don't know what to do with this. I always assumed the name was because you were a really good swimmer. Or that sound you make. But... Should I _stop_ calling you Perry the Platypus? I mean it'll be _weird_ , since that's all I've ever called you, and to be fair it _is_ how you introduced yourself. But I can stop if you want."

Perry was surprised to find he felt a little alarmed at the thought, and reached out to touch the man's hand. When his nemesis looked up from their overlapping hands, Perry shook his head. He hesitated, considering what to say, before settling on, _Nickname._

"Okay, we all know Uncle Perry's...'backstory' I guess, now," Phineas spoke up impatiently. "Can we _please_ get to the part where you explain _why people were shooting lasers at us_?" Ferb touched his brother's shoulder and the boy sat back in his chair with a frustrated sigh.

_Eat first_ , Perry signed.

"Oh come on!"

Perry just snapped his fingers and pointed to his nephew's bowl, then repeated, _Eat._

"Fine. ...Oh hey look, Ferb! It's shaped like the bookcase from _Horse in a Bookcase_! At least, I _think_ that's what it's supposed to be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on sign language and how it's used here: I do not know sign language. I would like to learn, and I will probably be taking classes at some point, but unfortunately I do not have the time right now. That said, I _have_ been using an online dictionary to make sure I know what each word looks like and also to make sure that the words _exist_.
> 
> If you know sign language and notice anything off about the way things are written, I have probably taken it into consideration and am just writing under the assumption that Perry is adjusting his grammar to be more easily understood by someone not fluent and/or it's being translated for the sake of the readers. (Even so, if you want to point out any language mistakes I've made, please feel free. Though I can't really do much unless you provide an alternative.)


	6. discussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perry manages to avoid yet another awkward conversation like the smooth mofo he is. (This is a lie, he is not smooth in the slightest.)

Lunch descended into a tense, awkward silence, though the tenseness finally dissipated when Ferb tried balancing a spoon on his brother's pointy nose. That got a giggle from Phineas, who then started discussing improvements that could be made to the pasta, and then a machine to create the improved pasta. Perry got the impression his nephew wasn't impressed with the "bookcase shapes," which was fair. They were rectangles with lines across them. Not a single one attempted to portray a horse actually _in_ a bookcase. It was mostly bookcases with one or two horse shapes thrown in.

It was Heinz, though, who looked downright melancholy about his pasta. When Perry touched his hand and gave him a quizzical look, the man sighed and smiled wryly at him.

"Vanessa used to love that silly horse show, how it was always in a _book_ case," he said, then waved a hand vaguely. "Honestly I never understood the plot, I used to make one up in my head. But we could still watch it together and for a little while she didn't look disappointed in me. And I wouldn't feel like such a _schnitzel_ as a father." He sighed again, dragging the air up from deeper in his lungs. "Now she says she can't even enjoy it _ironically_. Whatever _that_ means."

Heinz looked down at their hands and turned his palm up so he was almost holding Perry's. "I just worry sometimes that I'll never be a good father to her."

It was Perry who changed it from hand-touching to hand-holding, gently wrapping his fingers around his nemesis's. He reached over with his other hand and patted the man's arm. No one could say Heinz didn't try, and he was pretty sure Vanessa was aware of how hard her father sometimes tried. He also got the impression she was more often exasperated with Heinz than upset by him, which was something he could easily relate to.

When had he gotten so invested in the well-being of his nemesis's daughter? He wasn't sure about that, but he _was_ pretty sure it was against some sort of O.W.C.A. regulation.

He was also pretty sure that he didn't _care_ about O.W.C.A. regulations anymore.

When he looked up again, Heinz was giving him an odd, almost affectionate smile. "You know I never really thought you would _aaactually_ go rogue," he said. "I mean I _fantasized_ about--No wait, that...that sounds _weird_. Hoped! I _hoped_ sometimes, but I knew you'd never do it." The man looked down at his bowl, a pale pink creeping into his cheeks. "It's, y'know, it's um... It's a good look for you."

Perry raised an eyebrow, wondering when he had lost the thread of this conversation.

Misinterpreting the raised brow, Heinz hastily babbled, "I mean, like normally you've got that whole mysterious _spy_ thing going for you, and you _toootally_ make that work. You make pretty much anything work, honestly. I mean, arrrguably you're a very attractive man. I just meant, you do 'badboy' pretty well too. Only it's not quite _badboy_ I guess, it's more 'rebel fighting the system'. But either way! You--mmbl!"

Covering his nemesis's mouth, Perry gave him a pained look. Now really, _really_ wasn't the time to have this conversation. Discussion of his arguable attractiveness in relation to him rebelling needed to wait until _after_ he dealt with the reasons for said rebellion. And also probably shouldn't be within earshot of his young nephews.

Doofenshmirtz glowered at him, and when Perry sheepishly removed his hand, the man dryly said, "I suppose I should be glad it wasn't a _wig_ this time."

Removing his other hand from Doofenshmirtz's grip, Perry rubbed the back of his neck and stared intently at his macaroni. He shoveled a few bites into his mouth and focused his attention on finishing it off.

Of course as soon as he speared the last few pasta shapes on his fork, he heard the sound of ceramic scraping against wood and looked up in time to see another empty bowl slide across the table toward him. On the other side of the table, his nephews were watching him expectantly. Phineas with his arms crossed and a frown on his face, Ferb's expression more neutral. But then the green-haired boy tended to be a bit more outwardly stoic than his brother, so Perry wasn't foolish enough to think it meant Ferb was any less upset.

Placing his own bowl in Phineas's and setting them both aside, Perry clasped his hands on top of the table and looked across it at his nephews. They looked back expectantly. He had changed Ferb's diapers and helped teach them both to tie their shoes. He had tag-teamed with Candace on taking care of them when a particularly nasty flu had swept through the Flynn-Fletcher household and left him and his niece the only ones still healthy.

To have them now staring at him as if he were an enemy they had to face down...it hurt.

He unclasped his hands as he tried to decide how to start, letting his fingers curl and straighten uselessly for a moment. Stammering, Lawrence always called it, with goodnatured teasing.

_I'm a spy_ , he started finally, only to be interrupted by Phineas.

"We already _know_ that part! What was with the _lasers_?!"

Perry pointed at him, frowning. _Rude_ , he admonished. _Quiet_.

The boy grumbled but settled back down.

_Your death-ray is why_ , Perry signed.

Ferb was shaking his head, even as Phineas planted his hands on the table and leaned forward, blurting out, "It wasn't a death ray!"

Perry frowned at him. _Flower garden_.

"Okay, so it was _technically_ a death ray," Phineas amended. "But it wasn't on purpose, and no one got hurt! They're trying to kill us for _accidentally_ building a death ray?!"

Perry's eyebrows flew up in surprise as he suddenly realized he had never actually explained that the laser was nonlethal. He shook his head and quickly signed, _Not kill_. He hesitated a moment, then nudged his nemesis.

"Ow! What was that for?"

_Explain dull-N-8-or_.

"Oh what, Owca steals _my_ 'inator and now _I_ have to take the blame for it?" Doofenshmirtz said testily, still rubbing his arm where Perry had elbowed him.

Perry growled irritably at him. _Explain what it does_.

"Oh that." He looked a little awkward as he asked, "Um...do you want the whole backstory, too? That one was kind of _per_ sonal and--" He trailed off when Perry shook his head. "Oh well that's a relief. Okay, um...well, it's actually the Dull-and- _Boring_ -inator and it..." He shrugged. "It makes people dull and boring. There, there's your explanation. I don't know why you couldn't have explained that. I mean it's _right_ there in the name: Dull-and-Boring-inator. Though I guess you could argue it sounds like the 'inator itself is dull and boring but...I don't really name them based on what they _are_ , it's always what they _do_. You don't see me going around building a Big-Shiny-Metal-inator, do you?"

Perry pushed up his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Wait, that...kinda sounds familiar," Phineas said slowly, then looked over at his brother for confirmation. "Remember that day we wanted to watch grass grow?" Ferb nodded. "Yeah, and we weren't even testing a super growth formula on it, it just seemed really exciting at the time. That was so weird. Actually, that whole day was kind of weird!"

_You were hit once_ , Perry signed, then paused to decide how to explain. Simple won out and he continued, _You threw it off. To save Can_.

Phineas gasped, "I remember that! We didn't have time to really think about it then, but one minute we were trying to find the simplest, most boring way to save Candace and then...it was like my brain woke up! I remembered how to make things _fun_ again. You're saying we got hit with the Dull-and-Boring-inator then?"

_Original_ , Perry signed, nodding.

Then it was Doofenshmirtz's turn to gasp in realization. " _That's_ why you came back?! This whole time I thought you were just being a cruel plot-tease, but you were actually trying to fix your family. That...I get that, Perry the Platypus. No wonder you were so no-nonsense."

"I can't go back to that, Uncle Perry!" Phineas blurted, hands clenching in the front of his shirt. "I didn't care about inventing or building or having fun! I liked _beige_! I wanted to make water-flavored ice cream! That's basically a snow cone without syrup! It sounded delicious!"

Ferb placed a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder and Phineas turned to him with wide eyes. "I didn't even want to make it with some sort of gadget that turns whatever we want into an ice cream flavor, like that smoothie machine! I wanted to use a hand-crank ice cream maker! I didn't even want to add a motor. It sounded _exciting_." The boy's breath was coming noticeably faster and Ferb pulled him into a hug, patting Phineas's back reassuringly.

The sound of a knuckle rapping against the wooden table had them both looking up and meeting Perry's narrowed eyes. His movements were sharp and emphatic as he signed, _O.W.C.A will not get you. Promise_. He held up one hand and crossed his heart with the other.

Heinz had been watching the conversation with interest and shrugged, cheerfully adding, "Heck, I'll help too." He pointed at his nemesis. "Let's be honest, Perry the Platypus, you have _no_ experience with being on the wrong side of the law." He paused thoughtfully, hand cupping his chin. "Well, except for that time when I framed you for a bunch of petty crimes. Heh, you remember that? Only it was more...escaping from Owca to clear your _name_ than actually working against them, but you were still a fugitive for like, an hour at least. Anyway, you could still use my help. I--What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Grinning, Perry grabbed the man by the arms and shook him. ("What?! What'd I do? I thought we were getting along!") He stopped shaking Heinz long enough to bounce out of his chair and lean in close, still holding his arms, and meet his nemesis's wide eyes. Then he threw an arm out to gesture toward his nephews, willing Heinz to understand.

It took just a moment, but when it clicked the man's confused expression brightened and he gripped Perry's arms in return. "Of course!"

Perry nodded rapidly, still grinning with excitement.

"They'll never even suspect!" Heinz cackled. His expression grew affectionate and he added, "We make a pretty good team, Perry the Platypus."

Perry smiled bashfully and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. They really did. It was a shame they didn't get the opportunity to work together toward a common goal more often.

"I hate to interrupt this touching moment," Ferb spoke up, voice dry. "But might we assume you've come up with a plan?"

Heinz and Perry glanced at each other, then at the boys. While Perry gave them a thumbs-up, Heinz grinned and said, "Yes, I do believe we have."


	7. feigned ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves, kids, this chapter's about twice as long as most of the others. AND action-packed! :D

Once they had the first nugget of an idea, the plan came together with relative ease. The last piece of the puzzle came when Perry relayed the details of his whirlwind morning to his nemesis and Heinz pointed out that he hadn't recognized the agent sent after the boys. In fact, the wrench he threw at the unknown agent had knocked his hat off. So by the time he was out in the open where Perry could properly see him, there was no way to reasonably assume Perry would know he had been sent by O.W.C.A. Then during the motorcycle chase, he had been too busy dodging lasers and other vehicles to take note of who exactly was chasing them.

In theory, at least. In reality, he had noticed Agent B's bike in his rearview mirror, Agent F in the jetpack, and was reasonably certain he recognized the flight patterns of the helicopter well enough to assume Agent E was at the controls. But that was him, and there was a reason he was O.W.C.A.'s top agent.

The point being, Perry could easily feign ignorance.

While Heinz and the boys got to work, that was exactly what he did. He sent a text to Major Monogram, saying someone had come to his home shooting lasers, asking if his cover had been blown, and requesting orders.

The response came less than a minute later: **where are you?**

**safe 4 now. plz advise**

The next text he got contained an address and instructions to meet there, and bring the boys. Perry rolled his eyes at that. At no point had he mentioned having his nephews with him. If he hadn't already known O.W.C.A. was behind this, that would have made him suspicious.

He glanced over at where an old -inator was being pieced back together. He waved to get Ferb's attention and when the boy looked up he asked, _E.T.A._

Ferb looked at the machine, then up as he thought it over. When he turned back to Perry, he wiggled one hand and then signed, _Half hour._

About a half hour, plenty of time. Perry sent one more text to Monogram: **ETA 1hr.** Then he turned off his phone and removed the battery, just in case they tried to track it.

Hopefully they would think the whole hour was travel time, putting him well outside the city limits. The address Monogram sent was an abandoned warehouse a few blocks over, he would need to sneak away and drive to it from another direction so no one would connect the dots between him coming from the direction of Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. and him hiding at his nemesis's place. That would raise more suspicion than he could afford.

Luckily, all the cameras in the lair had been destroyed, removed, or needed new batteries. Once it became clear that Vanessa was going to be a regular visitor, Perry had pointed out that some of the cameras covered areas she _changed clothes_ in. While he had no problem with violating his nemesis's privacy, Vanessa was technically a civilian and hadn't asked to get caught up in their hero and villain dynamic.

Plus she was still underage, so any recordings of her nude counted as child pornography. Perry had been very clear in his request for the cameras' removal that he would not hesitate to report them if the request was denied.

Apparently no one at O.W.C.A. had considered that. Most villains didn't have children who visited regularly as per their custody agreement.

Pocketing his phone, he wandered over to see if he could be of any assistance to the three inventors.

\-----

With some tweaks from Phineas and Ferb, the cloak on Perry's motorcycle was able to disguise them as a number of vehicles not in O.W.C.A.'s database. After that it was easy to circle around and drop the holographic disguise before driving to the meeting place from a completely different direction.

As he slowed to a stop in front of the building, thick clouds slid in front of the sun, turning the day ominously overcast. He almost wondered if Heinz had cobbled together some sort of weather machine just to inject some dramatic lighting into the meeting. It was the kind of unnecessarily theatric thing he would do, but Perry didn't think he'd had enough time.

Planting his feet on either side of the bike, he turned at the waist to face his nephews. _Stay behind me_ , he signed.

"Uncle Perry, what are we _doing_ here?" Phineas asked loudly, sounding nervous and confused even though he knew perfectly well why they were there. It was a far cry from the faltering uncertainty when they met _Frau_ Schreiber just a few hours ago.

Perry wasn't sure whether to feel proud or dismayed that his nephew was learning to lie so quickly.

Taking off his helmet, he smiled reassuringly at the boy. Regardless of his feelings on the matter, lying was a skill Phineas and Ferb would both need to master from this point on.

At a nod toward the door from Perry, the boys hopped down and secured their helmets on the motorcycle, then they each grabbed one of his hands and followed him into the warehouse. Their nervousness was obvious, they kept so close that he almost tripped over them a few times, and he _did_ step on Ferb's toes once. Luckily the boy was wearing his steel-toed sneakers so no harm done.

It was dark inside. The windows were boarded over and a single light shone down on the middle of the room. He couldn't see much beyond that narrow beam of light, but he could hear his own footsteps bounce against the walls. An echo that loud, picking out sounds from the shadows would be easy once he stopped moving. Sloppy, he thought critically, frowning.

"Over here, Agent P," came Monogram's voice as the man stepped into the light, Carl at his side looking vaguely uncomfortable.

Perry let relief steal over his face. Finally an ally, someone he could trust, someone with much needed _intel_. He held onto that mindset, wrapped it around himself, made it his new reality.

He walked into the light, making himself an easy target to anyone who might be lurking in the darkness. But this was Major Monogram, who he trusted, so of course there wouldn't be an ambush. He let go of the boys' hands to snap off a salute.

"At ease, Agent P," Monogram said, then cleared his throat and shifted awkwardly. "You er, said you thought your cover might be blown?"

Perry nodded and signed, _Who._

Staring at him, Monogram leaned to the side and whispered to Carl, "He's doing that weird _hand_ thing."

Carl sighed. "This is why you had to take sensitivity training twice, sir. He just asked if we know who it was."

Monogram straightened in surprise. "How do _you_ know that?"

"I took some sign language classes in case it ever came in handy. Er, no pun intended."

"Oh when is _that_ ever going to be useful?" Monogram scoffed.

Carl frowned and motioned to Perry, who was watching with clear impatience. "Literally _right now_ , sir."

Major Monogram thought that over for a moment. "Well...point taken, I suppose."

A hand suddenly clamped down on Perry's shoulder and he let instinct take over, shoving Phineas and Ferb to the side and hopefully out of the line of fire. Then he reached up to cover the hand with his own and dropped to one knee, using momentum and a lower center of gravity to easily flip the attacker over his shoulder.

The man landed in the center of the light, making Monogram and Carl hastily back up to avoid being hit. He looked vaguely familiar but wasn't anyone Perry knew. He thought he might recognize the agent from an op in Seattle, and if the Seattle branch of O.W.C.A. was involved then that explained how Peter knew about it.

Footsteps behind him had Perry whirling and aiming a punch in the direction of the sound. His fist encountered softness and the accompanying grunt of pain suggested he had made contact with a stomach. He tried to step out of the light, to make himself less of a target, but his thrown opponent had recovered and came at him again, forcing Perry to turn and defend himself, and then another agent crashed into his back. He staggered and managed to dodge a blow to his face, deflecting it into the attacker behind him. A crack next to his ear and a pained curse probably meant a broken nose.

It also meant the agent's grip on him loosened enough for him to slip away and shove them into the unknown Seattle agent, sending both to the ground in a tangle of limbs.

More agents flooded out of the shadows, and the part of him that sometimes helped train new recruits harshly deducted points for giving up the tactical advantage the darkness of the warehouse provided. Although, the sheer numbers might just overwhelm him. Major Monogram had certainly come prepared.

A support beam just on the edge of the light caught his eye and Perry sprinted toward it. He jumped as he reached the metal beam, kicking off from it to launch himself high enough to do a flip and come down heel-first into the chest of one agent and kick out with his other foot to catch another across the jaw. From there he became a whirling maelstrom of feet and fists. He even bit one unfortunate agent who made the mistake of trying to grab his face from behind.

"That is _enough_!" Major Monogram shouted over the adrenaline rushing in Perry's ears. "Agent P, stand _down_!"

Perry was so startled, his training kicked in and he obediently froze, only to go down in a mess of bodies as several agents dogpiled him. Everything was still for a moment and he grimaced as the hard concrete floor forced him to finally notice the bruises he'd been ignoring during the fight. He was going to have to be careful to keep covered up around the house, his torso was going to be a discolored mess for weeks, he could already tell.

Above him, Monogram pointed to a free agent and snapped, "Secure the children."

"Uncle Perry!" Phineas cried out in fear, and Perry started struggling against the weight on top of him.

A firm hand shoved his head down against the concrete and even as some of the weight lifted, what remained became more purposeful. There was a knee in the small of his back pressing hard enough that it probably had someone's full weight behind it.

Monogram sighed. "Honestly, a group of trained agents should be able to take down _one man_ without it turning into a debacle! Cuff him, Agent B."

As the cold metal clicked into place around his wrists, he did his best to twist his hands around to give himself some room to maneuver. Then the weight on his back let up and hands on his arms dragged him to his feet. He slumped in place, letting a good portion of his weight rest on the grip on his arms, and took in his new surroundings.

Agent B was holding him up on one side, while the unknown Seattle agent was on his other side. Major Monogram stood before him, arms clasped behind his back and expression stern. Over by the support beam, Agent E stood between Phineas and Ferb with both hands firmly holding their shoulders. At least she didn't seem to be hurting them.

"As you may have guessed by now, Agent P, that _disastrous_ mission this morning was coordinated by Owca," Monogram said.

Perry's eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he let all the shock and betrayal he had been repressing all day finally show on his face.

"Your cover is secure and your family is safe," Monogram continued.

Eyes darting to the boys, then back to Monogram, Perry's brow furrowed in confusion at the obvious contradiction. Shooting lasers at kids was not "safe" by any stretch of the imagination.

"Yes, well." Monogram cleared his throat, looking away uncomfortably. "Recent developments have...forced our hand, you see. The recent death ray incident--"

"It wasn't a death ray!" Phineas snapped indignantly. " _Why_ does everyone keep calling it that?!"

"You almost hit your sister and destroyed a perfectly good flower garden," Monogram snapped back.

"I... We almost hit Candace?" Phineas whispered, looking horrified.

Perry winced. "Almost hit" was a bit of an exaggeration, but his niece _had_ been standing behind the fence Linda's flower garden was next to when the machine went off. It was a rare instance where the boys had actually been punished for one of their projects, though Linda thought a bottle of weed-killer was to blame. Still, the boys looked devastated. And with his hands behind his back, Perry was essentially gagged and could do nothing to reassure them besides sending a weak smile in their direction.

Monogram cleared his throat again. "Now, as I was _saying_ , before I was so rudely interrupted, the death ray incident forced us to reevaluate their file. After much debate, their status was changed to 'imminent threats' and a proposal to neutralize the threat was approved."

Letting himself become dead weight, Perry found himself landing on the floor before the agents holding him could compensate. Taking advantage of the new position, he quickly slipped his legs through the loop of his arms and the cuffs. The agents grabbed his arms and pulled him to his feet again, but with his hands in front now he could sign again.

Calling on every ounce of his covert training, he let his hands shake as terrified Uncle Perry took over from cool-under-pressure Agent P. Meeting Carl's eyes, his own wide and panicked, he signed as clearly as he could that they couldn't kill the boys just because they _might_ do evil in the future.

Carl gasped, a hand going to cover his mouth. "Oh dear. Sir! Major Monogram, he doesn't know what it _is_. He thinks we're trying to _kill_ them!"

Eyebrow shooting up, Monogram turned to Perry and said, "Good gravy, man! We're not _monsters_. We're the good guys! And good guys don't murder children. It's in the guidebook somewhere." He shook his head. "No, we're just _neutralizing_ the threat, so they'll no longer be a danger to themself or others."

He motioned to the side, cuing an agent to wheel a smaller, more portable version of the Dull-and-Boring-inator into view. "We're using one of Doofenshmirtz's old -inators. Worked wonders last time! Our people in R&D had to increase the power so it would be more permanent, but they assure me it's perfectly safe." He paused, eyebrow lifting on one side. "You... _do_ recognize it, don't you?"

Perry nodded.

Monogram smiled and straightened, looking pleased. "Excellent! Then you know _no_ harm will come to them. _And_ they'll stop building dangerous contraptions that could lead to a life of _evil_ and _crime_ and more dead flowers. Carl, warm it up. Agent E, if you would, please?"

Agent E gave a brief nod and took out a pair of handcuffs, cuffing the boys to each other before stepping to the side. She was out of the line of fire, but still close enough to grab Phineas and Ferb if they tried to move. Rather than try to escape, the boys were clinging to each other and staring at the machine in fear.

"It's ready, sir," Carl announced, his voice subdued.

In the time that it took Major Monogram to say "Fire" and Carl to hit the button, Perry swiftly stomped down hard on Agent B's foot and then brought his elbow up sharply into the Seattle agent's cheekbone. Their grips loosened by pain and surprise, Perry was able to break away and lunge forward in front of Phineas and Ferb, just in time to catch the green beam full in the chest.

He staggered back and then fell to his knees, body convulsing as the -inator took effect. As his shoulder hit the ground hard and he curled in on himself, he heard muffled shouting above him.

"Uncle Perry!"

"Great googly moogly, reverse it! He's _useless_ to us like this."

Everything felt...distant. His head was full of wet cotton and everything in him seemed slowed down. Even the pain he knew he should be feeling was only vaguely present.

What was he _doing_? Getting himself beaten up like some silly twit playing at being James Bond. What kind of life was that? He should retire and get a proper job, no more of this secret agent nonsense. Maybe he could join Lawrence in the antiquing business. Dusty credenzas and old books were about all the excitement he felt up to right now.

He had just managed to roll onto his front and prop an elbow under himself, a weak cough escaping him, when his peripheral vision flooded with brilliant green light and a second beam slammed into his side. He landed on his back and stared up at the dark ceiling with dazed, unfocused eyes. His glasses were missing, he noticed. Hands around his ankles slid him across the dusty floor and a round, worried face swam into his vision.

Frowning, Peter snapped his fingers above Perry's face until Perry lifted a weak hand, cuffs dragging the other along for the ride, and batted at the man's hand. Peter glanced off to the side and gave a thumbs-up.

No wonder Phineas hadn't wanted to go back to that. It seemed fine while you were under the effects of the -inator, but coming back was like breaking the surface of a body of water and only realizing once you were gulping in air that you had been drowning. The only good part of it was that it had dulled the pain a bit, and unfortunately it was now back with a vengeance.

"This entire operation has been a fiasco from the beginning," Monogram grumbled. "Carl! Are you finished resetting that thing?"

"Yes, sir. Ready when you are."

"Well don't just stand there, man. Fire!"

"Um, you're...blocking the shot, sir."

"Oh! Right, of course. There, carry on, Carl."

"Yes, sir."

Perry managed to sit up, Peter's arm firm behind his back, just in time to see another beam of green light shoot out and hit the boys. When they cried out, Perry tried to lurch to his feet and go to them, but was stopped when Peter tightened his grip. He could only watch as Phineas and Ferb fell to the ground and were consumed by tremors as the effects of the machine infected them.


	8. straight home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready to have NONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED?!
> 
> I am! :D

When the light faded, the boys were limp, unmoving lumps on the floor. Their bodies were so still and lifeless that a choked gurgle escaped Perry's throat without him realizing it and he reached out to them even though he knew they were too far away to touch.

Peter took his hand and placed something thin and metal in it: Perry's lost glasses. They were smudged, one of the earpieces was bent in a way it wasn't supposed to be, and a lens had a thin crack running through it, but he put them on as best he could and blinked away the twitching of his eyes as they tried to compensate. With them on, he could see that his nephews were still breathing and he slumped a little against Peter's restraining arm. In his peripheral vision, he could see Peter frowning suspiciously at him.

That would have to be dealt with later. He couldn't afford to break character right now.

"There, that wasn't so bad now was it," Monogram said, pleased. "Agent E, help them up, would you."

Expression uneasy, the agent did as she was ordered. She had children, Perry remembered, and then he wondered if she was imagining them in a similar position if they showed an aptitude for invention. Hopefully that wouldn't happen, but it would do her good to consider...and perhaps have a contingency plan ready should O.W.C.A. come after them, instead of being caught flat-footed and have to plan on the run as he had.

As Agent E helped the boys to their feet, Phineas groaned and asked quietly, "What happened?"

"Hello there, boys!" Major Monogram said cheerfully, stepping forward.

Phineas looked up at the man and tilted his head. "Aren't you Uncle Perry's boss? I thought he had today off."

"Yes! Well...uh. We...had to call him in for an emergency inspection."

"Aw." Phineas and Ferb both looked disappointed.

"Say," Monogram continued, then held out a wrench. "What does _this_ make you want to do?"

Phineas took the offered tool and stared at it, then glanced up at Monogram. "Um..." he said slowly. "Do you...need a bolt tightened?" At a look from Ferb he added, "Right, or loosened. Gosh, I didn't think safety inspectors did any fixing themselves."

Monogram chuckled and shook his head. "No, no, that's perfectly alright, son. What about if you had a blow torch? Can you think of anything you could do with that?"

"Oh wow, aren't we a little young to be using equipment like that?"

Smiling in satisfaction, Major Monogram said, "Yes, yes you are." He turned away from the children. "Pack it up, Carl, we're done here."

"Yes, sir."

Hands clasped behind his back, Monogram glanced at Perry, who was staring at his nephews in horror. "There, you see, Agent P? No more playing with dangerous tools and materials, no more hazardous contraptions or wild adventures. Just two boys behaving themselves and staying out of trouble!"

One side of the handcuffs dangling empty from a wrist, Perry elbowed Peter out of the way with his freed arm and stumbled over to his nephews. Dropping to his knees in front of them and looking them over, he brushed his hands over the boys in search of damage. They were a little dusty from being on the floor, but the fall before that didn't seem to have hurt them. Staring from one confused, worried face to the other, Perry pulled them close and bowed his head over their shoulders in defeat.

Both boys hugged him back, and Phineas uncertainly asked, "Are you okay, Uncle Perry?"

Slowly letting go of them, he sat back on his heels and nodded. He squeezed his eyes shut and took his hands from their shoulders, handcuffs clinking with each movement, to sign, _Sorry._

"Um, it's okay?" Phineas glanced at his brother for help, but all Ferb had to offer was a bewildered shrug. "Hey, I know! Why don't we stop for snowcones on the way home? I bet they'd be able to leave the syrup off if we asked. Would that cheer you up?"

Perry looked up and smiled sadly, running an affectionate hand over the boy's hair. He shook his head and signed, _Straight home._

Holding up the chain of the handcuffs still connecting Phineas and Ferb, Perry glared up at Agent E and raised an eyebrow. She looked over his head at Monogram and asked, "Sir?"

"Hm? Oh yes, of course. You can release them, Agent E. They're not going to be causing any more problems now."

Perry's hand clenched angrily around the handcuff chain, then he held out his other hand to E and rapidly curled his fingers palm-ward a few times to indicate that she should give him the keys. Frowning, she did so, and he had the boys freed in moments, letting the cuffs fall to the ground with a quiet metallic clatter.

Rising to his feet, Perry gave his nephews a light push in the direction of the door they had come in through, following close behind them.

"I expect to see you bright and early tomorrow for debriefing," Monogram called after him, and Perry froze in his tracks.

It took a moment for the boys to notice he had stopped and they made it a few more feet before pausing and looking back at him. Years worth of denied vacations and cancelled days off percolated in the back of his mind as he gritted his teeth and slowly turned around. His movements tense, he narrowed his eyes at the major and signed, _Four day weekend._

When Carl translated it, Monogram sputtered indignantly, but Perry swiped a hand in front of himself to cut the man off before he could speak. Then he turned to Carl and continued signing. The intern's eyebrows rose in understanding.

"Carl!" Major Monogram barked. "I _don't_ like all this talking behind my back right in front of me!"

"Right, sorry, sir. He says he needs a few days to smooth things over with his family, so they don't notice the change in Phineas and Ferb." He glanced at Perry for confirmation and Perry nodded.

"Hmph, very well. Weekend granted." He saluted. "Dismissed, Agent P."

Eyes still narrowed and his spine an iron bar, Perry snapped off the sharpest salute of his life. Then he pivoted on one foot and started toward the entrance again, taking his nephews' hands on the way and leading them out.

He could hear footsteps hurrying after him, but he didn't stop until they were out the door and had reached his motorcycle. While the boys put on their helmets, he turned to face Peter. The man glanced back casually to make sure the door had shut before frowning questioningly at him and signing, _Email?_

Perry just nodded in answer.

Peter's frown grew frustrated and he jerked a thumb over his shoulder at the warehouse before signing, _What._

Moving his hands so Peter's body would hide them from view if anyone looked through the windows, Perry replied, _Talk to Dr. D._

He could see the pale flicker of Peter's eyes widen behind his dark glasses. _You hate that_ , the man signed.

Dropping the act for just a moment, just long enough to give a sly smirk, Perry repeated, _Talk to him._

Peter stared at him for a second, then twitched as realization hit him. His mouth dropped in surprise. Perry gave another, short nod and put on his helmet, hiding his face and expression from view.

As he straddled the bike, Ferb's arms coming up to grip his waist, Perry turned his head to face Peter and added, _Thank you._

Peter didn't quite stop frowning, but it tilted up on one side. _Good luck_ , he signed, then offered a sloppy salute.

Perry returned the gesture and started off, leaving the warehouse behind.

\-----

The drive home was definitely the calmest trip that day. Perry could feel the adrenaline draining from his system, leaving him tired and wrung out. The gradual progression from the tall, clustered buildings of downtown Danville to the green lawns of the suburbs passed by him barely noticed until the Flynn-Fletcher home came into view.

The garage door was still open and he slowed as he approached, rolling to a stop in his usual spot. His feet came down to steady the bike while the boys climbed down, then he flicked the kickstand down with the toes of one foot. When Phineas and Ferb handed up their helmets, Perry hung them on the wall but left his own on.

The opaque face shield would save him from having to explain the state of his face to anyone who might be in the house.

As it turned out, Linda was in the kitchen when they came in. "Oh! There you are, Perry," she greeted, turning around and smiling. "You ran out of here awfully fast this morning."

Perry just shrugged in response. The motion caused the handcuffs still dangling from his wrist to clink quietly and his eyes widened as he suddenly remembered them. Linda didn't seem to have noticed them yet, so he quickly shoved the hand in his pants pocket.

"He had an emergency inspection," Phineas piped up. "We got to go with him!"

"I _see_ ," Linda replied, one hand going to her hip and a playfully stern look on her face. "Is _that_ why you left that mess in the backyard?"

Chagrined, Phineas said, "Oops, sorry, Mom."

Linda chuckled and turned back to the mixing bowl on the counter. "Just be sure to clean it up before dinner, sweetie." She paused to add something to the bowl and started stirring again. "Speaking of, you missed lunch. Are you hungry? I can fix you a snack."

"No, that's okay, we had lunch with Uncle Perry's friend."

Glancing over her shoulder at Perry, Linda raised an eyebrow and said dubiously, "Oh _really_? A _friend_ , hm?"

It was a long-standing joke between them that Perry either had no social life to speak of, or just refused to speak of his social life. Like her daughter's obsession with busting Phineas and Ferb, Linda had taken it upon herself to find a definitive answer to whether or not Perry was a workaholic hermit. Though her efforts were usually more playful than Candace's.

"And does this friend have a name?"

Perry covered Phineas's mouth and shook his head, then shooed the boys out of the room. Glancing back at his sister-in-law, Perry wagged a stern finger at her.

"Can't blame me for trying," she chuckled.

With a shake of his head, Perry followed the boys out of the kitchen and up the stairs to their room. Once inside, his nephews quickly got to work, setting up and programming their holographic emitter. A silent thumbs up between the brothers signalled they were ready and a press of a button had a seemingly solid Phineas asleep on his bed while Ferb read a book on his.

"Thanks for such a fun day, Uncle Perry," Phineas said, perhaps a touch too loud. "I think I'm going to take a nap before we clean up the backyard. I've _definitely_ had enough excitement today!"

Perry and Phineas turned to Ferb expectantly and the boy stared back for a moment. Then he said, "I have some reading to catch up on."

Perry gave them both a thumbs up. Though he had put his foot down about _video_ surveillance on his family, the agency had still insisted on audio in a few key locations. One of those locations was in the hall outside Phineas and Ferb's room, with an audio receiver strong enough to hear if the room was empty.

It was about to be.

With the quiet sounds of the holographic Phineas and Ferb filling the room, their real counterparts opened the closet door and all three of them stepped inside and onto the teleporter pad hidden away in the back. Ferb programmed in the coordinates and moments later a barely audible pop of displaced air was all that was left of them.


	9. dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHO'S READY TO FINALLY FIND OUT WTF IS GOING ON?!
> 
> (Also, who is ready for s'more Perryshmirtz?)

The teleporter landed them on the balcony outside Doofenshmirtz's lab. Or rather, it landed them about an inch above the balcony's floor, so as to prevent accidentally materializing with their feet stuck in solid concrete.

As soon as their feet hit the ground, Phineas and Ferb slumped a little and stopped moving. Perry tried not to let it bother him how lifeless they looked. Resolutely turning his back on them, Perry walked into the main body of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.

Inside, he could see a waist-high metal box with several wires attached to it. He was facing the back of the contraption, but he knew that the front contained a control panel. Above it, there was a large video monitor emitting a glow like the sunlight outside on the terrace. To the side and facing the monitor, Heinz was stretched out on a patio chaise lounge chair, a bowl of popcorn on his lap. When the man caught sight of Perry, he grinned and waved cheerfully.

"Heeey, welcome back! That was some pretty fancy _foot_ work in there. I mean, I knew you were good, but I don't usually get to see you fight from this angle. We were all really impressed."

As Perry came around the side of the machine, the tense line of his shoulders finally relaxed.

"Uncle Perry!" Phineas greeted excitedly, running forward to crash into and hug Perry's legs. Ferb followed close behind, but at a much reduced velocity.

With the proof of his nephews' safety close at hand, Perry slid to his knees and pulled them into a tight embrace. The flexible metal "spines" they were wearing felt strange under his hands, but he just held on tight while they hugged him back.

At some point during the family reunion, Doofenshmirtz's chatter had trailed off. Perry only noticed when he saw the man moving to quietly shut off the machine they had been using to watch and control Phineas and Ferb's robotic duplicates that had accompanied Perry to the O.W.C.A. ambush, and which were now standing on the balcony like puppets with their strings cut.

\---

The plan was inspired by one of Doofenshmirtz's old plots, with some modifications based on a project of Phineas and Ferb's. Back when Doofenshmirtz framed Perry for several crimes, he had used a group of incredibly realistic robots. So realistic, in fact, that they had fooled O.W.C.A. and Perry had been forced to escape a manhunt in order to prove his innocence.

In hindsight, that incident should have perhaps set off some mental warning bells about how fickle the agency's trust in him was.

The important part, though, was that Doofenshmirtz was able to create lifelike robot duplicates that were, at least on the surface, nearly indistinguishable from their living counterpart. That had been the start of the plan. They had briefly hit a snag over the fact that while he could make them _look_ exactly like the real thing, he couldn't program their actual personalities. Since the boys had been under surveillance for a while, chances were that someone would notice if they weren't acting like themselves.

Then Ferb had pointed out that they could just control the robots from a distance and act like themselves. Well, actually Ferb had produced blueprints for the device they had once used to help Jeremy with a dance competition and Phineas had chimed in to fill in the blanks. The point being, they could be there but also stay out of the line of fire. Literally.

Even knowing they were never in any danger, and that the Phineas and Ferb that accompanied him to the warehouse were robotic duplicates, it was still a considerable relief to see his nephews safe and their usual brilliant selves. His distress during the ambush hadn't been entirely an act. Just seeing the boys' faces full of fear or pain sent instinctive panic flooding through his veins.

So if Perry hugged his nephews just a little bit tighter than usual, it was understandable. Besides, they weren't complaining.

When they finally pulled away, Phineas was bouncing on his toes, excitedly chattering about their inventive collaboration and Perry's considerable fighting skills. Ferb interjected occasionally with a gesture or expression that prompted his brother to add or correct something. Perry just nodded along, content to let the words wash over him.

Phineas paused suddenly and laughed, reaching up to poke the face shield of Perry's helmet. "You forgot your helmet!"

Perry tilted his head quizzically, then raised his hands to explore the air around it, finding (surprise!) his helmet and spreading his fingers in theatric shock. It had the intended effect and Phineas laughed again while Ferb quietly chuckled.

Standing back up, Perry signed _B-R-B_. Then he gave them a brief wave and headed for the nearest bathroom.

Once inside, he closed the door behind him and leaned back against it. He gave himself just a moment, then pushed away from the door and carefully removed his helmet. In the mirror, he could see that a black eye was forming and at some point a bright line of blood had begun trickling down the side of his face from somewhere beyond his hairline.

With a quiet sigh, he balanced his helmet on the laundry basket and approached the sink. He was a mess. A bruised, bleeding, tired-looking mess, and the kids could _not_ see him like this.

He sighed again and opened the medicine cabinet. He knew Vanessa kept a stash of makeup over at her father's place, hopefully she wouldn't mind him using some of it. Their skin tones weren't similar enough that it wouldn't look odd, but at least he'd be able to hide the worst of what was visible. The handcuffs clanked against the sink, almost caught on the faucet, and clanked again against the mirror as he moved his arm. Frowning, he adjusted his priorities to bobby pins.

He found a small pack of them shoved into the back of a drawer and leaned a hip against the counter while he dug around in the lock to free himself. The adrenaline had completely drained away at that point, leaving his hands shaky, and the pin kept slipping from his fingers. Gritting his teeth, he tried to tighten his grip on the bobby pin and instead flipped it completely out of the lock and somewhere on the floor.

A strangled growl gurgled its way up from Perry's throat and he fought the urge to punch the mirror in his frustration. He turned and braced his hands against the counter, letting his head hang down below his shoulders. Squeezing his eyes shut against the sting of everything that had happened that day crashing down on him, demanding a reaction, Perry sucked in a deep, gasping breath. A lingering shudder spread through his body.

It was only as he felt some of the wetness beginning to escape his eyes that the bathroom door suddenly opened and Doofenshmirtz walked in already talking. Startled, Perry turned to face him.

"So they said they were okay to use the table saw, but I figured I should check with you. Also they're supervising Norm right now so, y'know, hopefully they won't pick up any dumb habits from..."

The man trailed off and stared at Perry. Tears were slowly sliding down his cheeks, tickling along the way, and he hadn't yet tried to clean up how bloody and beaten he was. Perry wasn't used to being so vulnerable in front of his nemesis.

Doofenshmirtz ducked his head back out the door and shouted, "Knock yourselves out, kids! And don't let Norm use the power-sander!"

"But it gives me such a smooth finish!"

"You're not allowed to use it unsupervised and you know it! Just sit quietly and don't get into trouble!"

"Sure thing, Dad!"

Heinz groaned and rolled his eyes, then stepped back inside and closed the door. "Sooo...the lighting was pretty bad in there, I don't think they saw..." He trailed off again, hands gesturing vaguely to indicate Perry's overall appearance. Frowning, his voice softer than usual, he added, "They really did a number on you."

Perry scowled and turned away, reaching up to wipe away the tears, and promptly bonking himself in the chin with the handcuffs. He hissed in pain as the metal impacted with a bruise he hadn't noticed yet. Movement reflected in the mirror caught his attention and he saw Heinz reach out to him uncertainly, then pull his hand back and bite his lip. It made Perry think back on every backstory that had resulted in the rejection of a younger Heinz Doofenshmirtz, helping shape a man who was hesitant just to offer comfort...

"I could, eh, you know...help?"

...and yet still brave enough to do so.

Perry sighed and nodded, hanging his head as he held up his arm, handcuffs rattling with the movement. Barely lifting his head, he glanced over his shoulder at his nemesis, a tired, defeated look on his face. It was so unlike what the villain was used to seeing from him that Heinz frowned and looked almost indignant. That made Perry smile just a little, imagining the man thinking how dare those O.W.C.A. goons leave _his_ nemesis in such a condition.

"Here, have a seat," Heinz said, motioning to the closed toilet seat, then he started digging around in the drawer. When he found another bobby pin he came and sat down on the edge of the tub, pulling Perry's arm over his knees and setting to work on the lock. "Heh, _this_ is kind of ironic, isn't it. Me getting you _out_ of a trap?" He chuckled and Perry couldn't help but smile in response.

"You know, it's still weird to think of you as having a _family_. You always seem like such a lone wolf. Or...lone platypus, I guess. And don't think I'm _over_ you not telling me about the platypus thing! We could've _bonded_ over it! Well, I suppose we still could, but...eh, I don't know, the moment's passed."

Perry smiled as the man chattered on, the stream of noise gently soothing his frayed nerves. The man's hands were slightly less warm than normal body temperature, but they were gentle on his skin and it felt nice.

He barely noticed the handcuffs clicking apart and Heinz's "aha!" of triumph, instead allowing himself to indulge in leaning his head on the man's shoulder, letting himself be vulnerable. Being Agent P was bloody exhausting sometimes, and right now he didn't feel like thinking about rules or regulations or what he shouldn't do.

Right now he just wanted to let someone help him.

"Uh...you...um, I got them?" Heinz mumbled awkwardly, holding up the cuffs.

Perry nodded a little, hair brushing against the man's neck, and moved his newly freed hand to hold Heinz's. Lacing their fingers together, he let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes.

To the side, he could hear the soft clatter of Heinz setting the cuffs on the floor, then a hand was hesitantly running over his head. Long fingers brushed through his hair, gently scratching his scalp, and a shiver of appreciation crawled up his spine.

"Heh, I don't know how you do it," Heinz mumbled absently, thumb slowly running over the side of Perry's hand. "Even when you're a _mess_ you're still att _rac_ tive."

Perry wondered briefly if he was actually meant to hear that. For a moment, he entertained the idea of just lifting his head and kissing the man. No more O.W.C.A. getting in the way of what he wanted, just him, Heinz, and the slow-burning attraction they'd been dancing around for years.

Then Doofenshmirtz squeezed his hand and ran his other hand down Perry's neck to gently push at his shoulder. "You're still bleeding," he said, sounding reluctant. Or maybe that was wishful thinking. "Let's get you cleaned up. I mean I _know_ it's probably just a scratch, because scalp wounds bleed like craaazy, but it'll be harder to hide from the kids if you get it all over your shirt."

Heinz stood, nervous energy propelling him as he bustled around the medicine cabinet and the cabinet under the sink. Disappointed, Perry leaned his back against the toilet tank, head falling back against the wall, and sighed. Or maybe they could just keep dancing, that worked too. They were good at dancing together.

When he came back, Heinz knelt in front of him with a damp washcloth in one hand and a first-aid kit in the other. He set the kit aside and held up the cloth. "Could you lean forward, Perry the Platypus?" he asked.

Perry obligingly did so, holding himself up with his elbows on his knees. He startled a little when Heinz reached out to touch the side of his glasses, then closed his eyes and gave a small nod of permission.

Carefully, Heinz slid Perry's glasses off, folded the much-abused earpieces, and set them on the counter. Perry left his eyes closed and a moment after he heard the click of his glasses on the counter a long-fingered hand cupped his cheek. The light contact held him steady as Heinz began wiping his face with the washcloth.

It felt nice, being cared for like that, and Perry leaned into the man's palm. Heinz paused, swallowed audibly, and got back to work cleaning him off.

"S-So, heh, uh...you're _really_ sure you want to keep bringing them over to build stuff with me?"

Perry just nodded.

"I mean, I _am_ an evil scientist," Heinz continued. "Who's to say I won't _corrupt_ them and turn them to the side of eeevil?"

Perry sighed and reluctantly opened his eyes before shaking his head a little.

Frowning, Heinz asked, "But how do you _know_?"

As tired as he was, language was coming to him with difficulty. He knew there _were_ words to describe his unwavering certainty that no harm would come to Phineas and Ferb under Heinz's tutelage, but finding and conveying them was beyond him at the moment. Looking at the blurry features of his nemesis's face, Perry decided words were overrated and reached out to grip the man's shoulders. Then he leaned forward and kissed him.

A sound of surprise escaped Heinz, then a moment later there was the wet plop of the washcloth being dropped. Heinz's other hand, a little cold and wet now, came up to tentatively cup Perry's other cheek, and then he was enthusiastically returning the kiss. Sighing contentedly against his nemesis's mouth, Perry leaned into him, arms sliding over his sharp, bony shoulders.

For some reason, Heinz suddenly pulled away. "So you really trust me?" he asked, uncertain and disbelieving all at once.

Oh right, trust, that was the word. Perry nodded and leaned in to kiss him again, but the man leaned back just enough to thwart his efforts.

"And, uh, this...this isn't some kind of... _I_ don't know, some sort of _take that_ to Owca?"

Perry narrowed his eyes and growled irritably. He wasn't _that_ petty. He was just finally tired of letting them dictate his life.

Frowning, Perry sat up, arms dropping from his nemesis's shoulders and prompting a disappointed look on Heinz's face. Perry ignored it and scooted forward a little on the toilet lid. Now he was close enough to plant his feet firmly on either side of Heinz and grab the man's shirt in both fists.

"Wh--Hey!"

That was all the man had time to say before Perry was yanking him close and planting a hungry kiss on his mouth. His instinctive grip on Perry's wrists loosened and Heinz gave a tiny whimper as he pressed forward. Perry let go of his shirt to slide his hands up to the back of his neck, while Heinz wrapped his long arms around Perry's waist.

They stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in each other while they learned the feel of the other's mouth against their own, before finally separating to catch their breath.

" _Wow_ ," Heinz breathed, staring at him in awe. "We can do that again, right?"

Perry grinned and nodded.

"Can we do that _every_ time you come over?"

Laughing silently, Perry moved a hand to the side and wiggled it back and forth as a maybe. He felt giddy again. Despite the bruises, this was the best he had felt all day.

Heinz's fingers were nervously fiddling with the hem of Perry's shirt and he wasn't quite meeting Perry's eyes, but he was blushing and had a silly smile on his face. He actually looked happy, and Perry couldn't help but grab the man's face so he could kiss that smile.

Then there was an explosion.

Perry and Heinz jolted apart, both turning to the door. They were both up and halfway to it when they heard Phineas call out, "We're okay!"

"I can see downstairs!"

"We're okay except Norm's head is in the floor!" Phineas corrected, then quickly added, "Don't worry, we'll get him out!"

"Hello, Mrs. Thompson! Ouch! There is no need to hit me, I do not want me to see that either!"

Perry slumped against the wall, one hand on his pounding heart, then gave Heinz a sheepish smile. The man just shrugged, still smiling. "Eh, you've done worse just thwarting me."

Smile turning a little nervous, Heinz offered a hand and said, "I, uh, I should probably finish patching you up. And...then maybe _supervise_."

Perry grinned again as he took the man's hand, coming closer until he was chest to chest with him. Tilting his head up, he reached up with his other hand and gently guided Heinz's face down to kiss him again.

Bandages could wait. He'd waited long enough for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! What a wild ride! I want to thank EVERYONE WHO READ THIS AND ENJOYED IT! And especially those of you who commented and made me smile hard enough to hurt my face.
> 
> And a special super-duper THANK YOUUU to my amazing betas who were very good about talking me down from wild flailing and also encouraged my ridiculousness. (Perry's backstory in particular.) Squeebers, [Grayce](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RenetteHollow391/pseuds/Grayce%20Adams), you guys are AWESOME and I couldn't have done it without you. :D
> 
>  
> 
> If anyone's wondering, I maaay write more in this AU. I accidentally built up way more backstory than I could fit in here, so...I make no promises, because I was holding off on other writing projects until I finished this, but I'd LIKE to write more about this world. (Also, I just started back at college, so that's eating up a significant chunk of my time.)

**Author's Note:**

> For over a month, the working title for this was "Self-Indulgent Bullshit". (Incidentally, the only instance of a curse word to be found in this thing so far. I am as surprised as you are.) It was named such because it contains all the things I wanted to read but couldn't find. (Speaking of, if this reminds you of anything hook me up with a link.)
> 
> I have already written over 10K words of this, divided up amongst six chapters, and it is still not finished. I think I'm going to try to update once a week, since I already have more chapters sitting around, but I make no promises.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Just Another Dull and Boring Day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8507176) by [ConstancePenman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConstancePenman/pseuds/ConstancePenman)




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